How to Have Tough Talks with Yourself
Sometimes, the toughest talks are the ones we avoid having with ourselves—acknowledging where we need to grow, make changes, or confronting the things that are holding us back. So today, I want to guide you through how to identify when it’s time to have a tough talk with yourself and share a framework to help you navigate these internal conversations with bravery, self-love, and respect.
Why Do We Avoid Tough Talks with Ourselves?
We all know the feeling of avoiding something uncomfortable. When it comes to ourselves, it’s easy to make excuses, distract ourselves, or simply push aside what needs attention. But just like with others, avoiding the tough conversations with ourselves can lead to misalignment, frustration, and stagnation.
How Do You Know It’s Time to Have a Tough Talk with Yourself?
Here are some signs it might be time to initiate that conversation with yourself:
You feel stuck or unfulfilled but can’t quite pinpoint why.
You’re repeatedly encountering the same challenges or making the same mistakes.
You’ve been avoiding change even though you know something needs to shift.
Your relationships, work, or personal goals aren’t aligning with your values or desires.
You find yourself blaming external factors for things within your control.
Once you notice these signs, it’s time to ask yourself some brave, honest questions—just like you would with a team member or colleague.
The Framework for Having a Tough Talk with Yourself
Let’s use the Five Tough Talks framework, but apply it inward. Here's how to have these transformative conversations with yourself:
1. "How I Work with Myself"
Just as you would set expectations for your team, you need to set clear standards for yourself. This might include your morning routine, health practices, and the standards you hold yourself to in your work and personal life. The key is accountability—deciding what you expect from yourself and then creating the structures to support that.
For example, if you know that starting your day with 30 minutes of quiet reflection or exercise helps you focus and lead with clarity, make that a non-negotiable routine. Or, if your health is a priority, hold yourself to the standard of eating well and moving your body daily, so you can lead with energy and vitality. Set the foundation with self-compassion and intention.
Action Step: Set a routine for personal reflection. It could be journaling, meditation, or simply scheduling time to assess how you're feeling and performing. The key here is consistency.
2. "The Ask (of Yourself)"
In this conversation, reflect on what support you need—from yourself or others. Are you holding back from asking for help because of pride or fear? Or are you not giving yourself permission to rest or pursue something new? Are you acknowledging when you’ve achieved something amazing or when you didn’t show up as your best self?
Action Step: Identify one area where you need to make an “ask” of yourself. Do you need more time for self-care? Do you need to ask for a difficult but necessary change in your habits?
3. "What’s Going On (with Me)"
Sometimes, our internal behaviors or feelings shift, and we don’t pause to understand why. Take a moment to ask yourself, “What’s really going on?” Identify whether it’s burnout, fear, uncertainty, or something else that's impacting you.
Action Step: Write down recent behaviors or feelings that have shifted and ask yourself why. Be honest, but avoid self-judgment—this is about clarity, not criticism.
4. "Being Better (to Yourself)"
This conversation isn’t about beating yourself up for mistakes or falling short. Instead, it’s about gently challenging yourself to be a better version of yourself. How can you show up with more intention, integrity, and bravery?
Action Step: Choose one area where you can show up better for yourself—whether that’s setting boundaries, following through on commitments, or practicing more self-compassion.
5. "Moving On (from What's Not Working)"
Sometimes, the toughest talk is recognizing when it’s time to move on. Whether it’s an old habit, a mindset, or even a job or relationship, knowing when to let go can be a courageous act of self-love.
Action Step: Identify one thing that’s no longer serving you. Then, write down a plan for moving forward—whether it’s making small shifts or taking bold steps to release what's holding you back.
Bravery & Self-Compassion Are The Keys to Every Tough Talk with Yourself
Remember, the goal of these conversations isn’t to criticize or diminish yourself. It’s about creating space for honesty, growth, and healing—from a place of love and respect for yourself. When you have these tough talks with yourself, you build the self-awareness and bravery needed to make powerful shifts in your life and in leadership.
Let’s commit to creating time and space for these essential conversations. The better we are at leading ourselves, the better we become at leading others.